coyoterun

As I read Debra’s blog this morning I thought about that, eating to live, not living to eat!  I think that is the root of my problem, I let food rule my life—well not so much food, as what and how much food.  I’m either worrying about what and how much I ate, or I’m worrying about what if I eat too much of the wrong thing.  I’ve tried the just ignore it way, wound up gaining quite a bit, I’ve tried watching everything I put in my mouth, usually don’t lose much.  The only time I really lost a lot of weight, and managed to keep it off was the time I went on the Nutri-System plan, I lost 50 lb, and I did keep all of that off for 5 years.  But who can afford to stay on that food plan?  Besides even if you can, they won’t let you, they wean you off.  I have never learned how to portion out the right amount I need, having it prepackaged was wonderful, fix it eat all of it and you know you are done.  They have “free” foods you could eat all you wanted, carrots, celery, lettuce, you all know the stuff.  Anyway  I wonder how it would be to measure out you meals, do the prepackaging yourself and freeze them?  Then you could get them out heat the up and eat.  I have a sneaking suspicion that it would come down to being like exercise—-too much trouble.   I think maybe my problem isn’t food—–it’s commitment.  Commitment to doing what I know is the best thing for me to do for myself.  And that goes back to having the right mind set.  I talk and talk, but show no action.  I already know what I need to do—I really don’t need a book or some “famous” person telling me what I already know.  What I need is to find the motivation and guts to make a hard and fast commitment to me, to do what I know is the best thing for me, for my health and happiness.  I wish there was an EASY fix, a pill, or a book that would get it done for me, I know there is not.  I really need to be accountable for my lack of action, words are easy, whether you type them or speak them, I must make a commitment to myself and then hold myself accountable.  I appreciate the support I get here, you all have been or are in the same place I am at, you understand.  I really have to have a good ole fashioned “Come to Jesus” meeting with me, and get a handle on what is is that I really want, what my expectations are and how I am going to get there.   MAKE A PLAN AND STICK TO IT.  That is my new motto.  Being honest with myself and holding me accountable, I think that will work.    

I  hate roller coasters, always have, even when I was a kid.  I wouldn’t ride them when we went to the fair or to Six Flags!  Here I am stuck on one.  My scales’ battery died, it took me some time to remember to replace it–I was pleasantly surprised to see that I hadn’t gained nearly as much as I feared (only 1 pound!).   I decided to weigh only once a week, not drive myself crazy looking every day.  I lost the pound, was back to where I was, then I lost another pound and was really pleased.  Then despite what I promised myself I stepped on the scale last night, and wham, it read 190, where did those 3 pounds come from!!!  this drives me nuts–I think I ‘m doing good, going in the right direction and then out of no where, weight gain.  I swear I haven’t done anything different–haven’t binged out, haven’t eaten larger portions, changed anything.  This is what makes me want to throw up my hands and say to hell with the whole thing….I know if I do that  I’ll be in trouble fast…but it is so frustrating.  So I made a batch of chocolate chip cookies and had some, I know it was NOT the thing to do, but what the heck–I took most of them to Josh and Tony put a pretty good dent in the ones that were left.  This is the kind of thing that I have a really hard time dealing with, it seems like when I really try to be careful it goes wrong.  I’ve been trying really hard, specially the last few months, to keep a handle on my eating.  I’m an emotional eater, and with all the stuff going on with Josh, staying away from comfort food is a BIG struggle.  I thought I was doing pretty good.  It makes me so mad!!!   Ok I’ve had my fit and stomped my feet, thanks for letting me get it out.  Here is my plan for getting on with this journey.  Eat breakfast, drink water, try to have our largest meal at lunch, drink water, have a lite supper, have a snack while watching TV or reading and get more exercise.  I hope that following this plan will get that scale going in the right direction.   I want to get off this roller coaster. 

Do you all ever think about how you got here–to this place we’re at?   I was a  very active child–running everywhere, I’ve been told I never walked anywhere I could run.  I took dancing lessons, twirling lessons, I ran track, I marched in the band.  After I married, I was busy, I walked, then rode nearly every day.  Up until I was 45 or so I wasn’t over weight–well maybe 5 lb more than I should be, but then all of a sudden I found myself at 185 lb.  I went on the NutriSystem plan and I lost 50 lb.  I kept it off for 5 years, but slowly over time I gained it all back and 10 more.  Now I just can’t seem to find the motivation to get moving, I keep saying I want to lose this extra tire I carry around my middle, I know that it is not good for me, my family has a long history of heart and stroke issues.  Lethal I might add, but I still sit and do nothing to help myself.  I know that just watching what I eat will not get it done for me, I have to exercise A LOT for the weight to come off, I know that.  I’m searching for the why,—  why don’t I take charge and get off my butt and move, I find every excuse in the world NOT to do what I know is the good thing for me. 

I WILL GET GOING,  I have too, if not, I’m going to wind up not being able to move at all–I’m 60 and it gets harder every passing year to get rid of the lbs.and with my knees in the shape they are I’ll seize up.    I’ve got all the stuff I need, I just need to quit making excuses for why I can’t do and get going.  True confession time—-I think I’m lazy!!!!  OK quick kick in the butt for me, out of my chair and do something, anything that gets me moving.  I’m taking a page out of Teresa book, baby steps, something that I can manage.  Maybe I’ll make a page in excel that tracks my progress–if I write it  down, what I expect myself to do and track it— maybe that will help me stay on track.

Any other suggestions on how to stay on track? I need all the help I can get.  I really want to lose this weight by my next birthday–July 7—I’m at 189 right now–I think 150 or so would be a good weight for me at my age—30 lbs in 10months–surely I can do that?  That is 3 lbs a month!!!  I need to get serious about this and get it done.  OK I START OVER TODAY—SEPT. 15, 2009!  I even have a couple of extra weeks to work of my first 3lb per month plan. 

I was feeling sorry for myself today as I woke up, all this upset with our grandson and the grief it has caused us all, then I realized it was 9-11.  I thought about all those people who died in that tragedy and their families.  I was always taught that whatever your problem, someone out there has it worse.  At least I have my daughter and grandson to worry about, they are here with me.  We are getting some better news about the situation, and for that I am grateful.  So, I’m going to try to adjust my attitude a bit and be thankful for the good things, and try to be not so negative about it.  I do have much to be thankful and grateful for and I just need to remember that .  Hope you all have a great weekend.